Searching for clarity

Though it is rather elusive. So lost with where I am and where I am going. And so messed up chemically inside that nothing is familiar or right. I can't even just dissolve into tears like I always used to, they just won't flow. A bet with my lovely husband to cease to yell for a whole month is going to be a HUGE challenge, but well worth it & will be good for all. 47 minutes down & so far so good - he he. API, LLL, Mum4Mum, work, Toy Library, starting a business, being a mum, running the house, cooking, cleaning, it all feels so weighty. L isn't getting nearly enough time spent with him and he is so imaginative & lovely. Z is getting older by the second and I am so desperately sad that he is our last baby. More so that I just wouldn't cope with any more children, that it is a decision made for me by my fruitloopy-ness (to put it in a nice funny way :-). He has quite a temper at times and I so don't want him to become like me. Neither of them. I better get some sleep having done nil tonight was ok, but I need to start achieving some of my plans & get to a base where I can mentally make some decisions. The clutter in the house is getting attacked in minute doses, so I guess we are moving forward, just not even at baby step pace, so tedious in many ways and now we have been hit by the return from holiday (such that it was) and Christmas pressie bomb. The garden is becoming uncluttered so that is also good. Action action action. Goodnight me.