Lost

My magnet works, I haven't been suicidally depressed for a month.  But I am feeling very lost. I have no purpose, no job, no interest in making my house perfect, or even tidy or even mothering any better right now.  Does that mean I am still depressed?  I am tired & right now I have a sore throat & headache.  But there is just always something.  My husbands job is 24/7 right down to him getting a call at 4am on a Saturday recently which happened to be my birthday, I didn't properly get back to sleep either :-(  It just takes over our lives, it has meant I have tended to put kids to bed & do all morning stuff, in varying degrees of success as my limits dictated.  So now they reject him doing it, only really being ok if I am out of the house.  And there is no pattern, no clear routine.  And I have no energy to create one.  Makes me want to run away.

What other paths might I have trodden if I hadn't walked this one?  What paths do I want to take on the road ahead?  I can't recall how I used to get excited about stuff & do things, shit, I must still be depressed.  I guess there are varying degrees.  I have been looking backwards at my life, trying to find the bits where I seriously had my "mojo" and trying to recapture that.  I feel a bit stuck though.  Partly it was freedom, no mortgage, no kids, no committments.  How do I recapture that and not blow apart my life?  Do I want to blow apart my life?  I feel trapped.

Magnet Days

The point is to love and in loving we become vulnerable. We gain more but sometimes we lose too.

I have a magnet!  Yup, ok you might say, but I think this magnet is improving my moods, I am actually looking fwd to the bad days to find out how it will be.  It is designed to help PMS & Menopause & a number of PMDD sufferers are finding it helpful.  I have had mine on since midday Oct 4th.  The day we found out my husbands best friend had died suddenly and unexpectedly of a brain haemhorage (sp?).  Life has not been the same since.  Our friend was only 46yrs old.

My current personal mission is earlier nights, so with Cinderella in mind it is time to love myself and take myself to bed.  It has been a very very long Monday.

Food cravings & up too late

Want fish & chips!  After midnight, don't really feel tired.  Though I am doing a few yawns, slow learner?  Hmm what is the pay off??  Not having to be in real world next day??  Been irritable & had an absence of feeling, makes it hard to connect with hubby & the kids.  Day 22, hmm think I missed last two nights of filling in chart of symptoms, thats the trouble with this bloody PMDD, forgetfulness just when you need evidence to create a paper trail of proof in case I need to go the dr route again.  5-7 days with any luck and happy sanity returns...

Visited a Monastery at the weekend, stayed two nights.  Was very very quiet, too much after less than 24hrs!!  But had great friend there so talked a bit in eve and was relieved of my loneliness.  Did you know that 100's of cows biting off grass makes lots of noise, not unpleasant, but surprising to a townie :-)  Sat in hot sun, read, wasn't distracted by tv or the net.  Had my own lovely room with ensuite, quite a luxury, warm, selfcontained, inspirational books.  Yes, missing it a little.

So despite being seriously late to bed & already likely to be a grump tomorrow, it's a new day right, so could yet be outstanding.  And it's Tuesday so Monday is past, that's a good thing.  Plans to go help a friend do some packing, must fit in a walk or the gym.  Would like to stretch the energy to baking and sewing and some tidy up but hey lets wait & see.  If only I didn't keep getting caught up in tv shows...  Be strong, turn it off, brush teeth, check children & doors, go to bed.  Want cake, lemon cake with yoghurt, raspberry choc cake...

Too much paper

So I have made it to my blog in my sane time!  Very tired, still terrible at going to bed & sleep at a decent time.  And this week battling a niggling throat and cough.  But functioning!  Found birth cert. to enrol my boy at intermediate, remade a bed, did some washing, part cooked tea, did dishes, pretty good really.  And without having to force myself :-)  Trying to get mentally prepared for the PMDD monster.  Like that terminology, borrowed from other sufferers on my new Facebook group, so amazing to have discovered a place to be "normal" and the same as many other women.  Need to ensure I have a plan and that my family has a plan.  Cause it just isn't if, it's when and that is scary.  I am grateful I know I will "come round again" but in the depths it's pretty hard to believe.  Need to get my house ordered & under control so I can refocus on creativeness & me!  Not quite sure how when my energy is often lacking & my brain has not been open to creative solutions for our storage issues, but I guess history shows that I usually figure out something, so perhaps I can find hope and trust that it will be ok.

Funny how I gravitate here when in PMT mode.  Life is crappy yet again.  I have been looking backwards somewhat trying to find "me", with mixed results thus far.  How is it some people find purpose in their life so easily?  I don't even mean life purpose, nothing so heavy, just a point to getting up and to having children and to making the effort to raise them consciously.  A reason to wash the dishes or do the washing or even getting the groceries.  I don't even want to eat.  Though my body forces me to continue, I am hungry.  I forget/can't be bothered to even shower when like this, though today even I could smell me.  My hair needed a cut so despite a small worried voice I chopped it off (successfully thank god) and then had a shower.  I am pleased with my hair and that i smell ok again but even a hot shower didn't put me in a good space.  I have to collate some feedback forms which I am avoiding.  And I have to get groceries which I don't want to do.  I want to cry & cry & be held and there is no one to hold me.  And if I let myself cry I really wont be able to get groceries and I just may never stop.

I have thought about writing a book, at least it could be picked up & put down as my level of managing dictates but books need resolutions and I am in an endless rotation.  Would pushing myself to write help bring a resolution?  I have been contemplating another yr to qualify as a teacher, but really not sure I can committ to the real world and it not just stopping every month when I need it to.  So I am still hungry, the savage life force wills me on.  Why does it have so much faith in me?

A dozy dazy day.  PMT making me irritable & sluggish.  I "feel" about 10kg heavier than I actually am.  My brain will not kick into gear.  I have a bunch of things I need to do yet no inclination to do any of them.  Helping with a national AGM & training wknd is great till the wknd itself looms and I feel like burrowing for a week.  Actually burrowing is never enough for this week, a coma for the week would do nicely.  Yes yes, be careful what I wish for but its ok I have had all the bad luck I am going to have.  Hhmm, I will feel better if I do something, def don't want to face the dishes.  Kids have a friend over so can't go to grocery shop.  Steam mop the floors before carpet comes tomorrow?  Bora treat the holes?  AGM stuff & keep wking on presentations for workshops?  Hhmm maybe that maybe upload photos and choose the best.  I don't have to shift my weighty self, I can stay on my crux, the pc.  I wish our medical system gave a shit so I didn't have to self fund complimentary treatment...

The answer is in the question

I like this idea, that the answer is in the question and that inherent in that is that I therefore have all the answers for me.  When I am restless, I need to rest.  If only all the answers where that simple.  I feel directionless and yet like the options are too numerous and then not enough.  So where is the answer in that?  Be directionless?  Allow myself to feel free & loose from the binds of expectation, and obligation?  Feels a bit shaky to contemplate that.  And to be honest I am bored, I need my brain to be working again on something I love that inspires me and that I can get energy out of.  And I need my days to be shifted back a few hrs so I am not up at midnight wondering about starting the life I am already living.