Funny how I gravitate here when in PMT mode.  Life is crappy yet again.  I have been looking backwards somewhat trying to find "me", with mixed results thus far.  How is it some people find purpose in their life so easily?  I don't even mean life purpose, nothing so heavy, just a point to getting up and to having children and to making the effort to raise them consciously.  A reason to wash the dishes or do the washing or even getting the groceries.  I don't even want to eat.  Though my body forces me to continue, I am hungry.  I forget/can't be bothered to even shower when like this, though today even I could smell me.  My hair needed a cut so despite a small worried voice I chopped it off (successfully thank god) and then had a shower.  I am pleased with my hair and that i smell ok again but even a hot shower didn't put me in a good space.  I have to collate some feedback forms which I am avoiding.  And I have to get groceries which I don't want to do.  I want to cry & cry & be held and there is no one to hold me.  And if I let myself cry I really wont be able to get groceries and I just may never stop.

I have thought about writing a book, at least it could be picked up & put down as my level of managing dictates but books need resolutions and I am in an endless rotation.  Would pushing myself to write help bring a resolution?  I have been contemplating another yr to qualify as a teacher, but really not sure I can committ to the real world and it not just stopping every month when I need it to.  So I am still hungry, the savage life force wills me on.  Why does it have so much faith in me?