Funny how I gravitate here when in PMT mode.  Life is crappy yet again.  I have been looking backwards somewhat trying to find "me", with mixed results thus far.  How is it some people find purpose in their life so easily?  I don't even mean life purpose, nothing so heavy, just a point to getting up and to having children and to making the effort to raise them consciously.  A reason to wash the dishes or do the washing or even getting the groceries.  I don't even want to eat.  Though my body forces me to continue, I am hungry.  I forget/can't be bothered to even shower when like this, though today even I could smell me.  My hair needed a cut so despite a small worried voice I chopped it off (successfully thank god) and then had a shower.  I am pleased with my hair and that i smell ok again but even a hot shower didn't put me in a good space.  I have to collate some feedback forms which I am avoiding.  And I have to get groceries which I don't want to do.  I want to cry & cry & be held and there is no one to hold me.  And if I let myself cry I really wont be able to get groceries and I just may never stop.

I have thought about writing a book, at least it could be picked up & put down as my level of managing dictates but books need resolutions and I am in an endless rotation.  Would pushing myself to write help bring a resolution?  I have been contemplating another yr to qualify as a teacher, but really not sure I can committ to the real world and it not just stopping every month when I need it to.  So I am still hungry, the savage life force wills me on.  Why does it have so much faith in me?

A dozy dazy day.  PMT making me irritable & sluggish.  I "feel" about 10kg heavier than I actually am.  My brain will not kick into gear.  I have a bunch of things I need to do yet no inclination to do any of them.  Helping with a national AGM & training wknd is great till the wknd itself looms and I feel like burrowing for a week.  Actually burrowing is never enough for this week, a coma for the week would do nicely.  Yes yes, be careful what I wish for but its ok I have had all the bad luck I am going to have.  Hhmm, I will feel better if I do something, def don't want to face the dishes.  Kids have a friend over so can't go to grocery shop.  Steam mop the floors before carpet comes tomorrow?  Bora treat the holes?  AGM stuff & keep wking on presentations for workshops?  Hhmm maybe that maybe upload photos and choose the best.  I don't have to shift my weighty self, I can stay on my crux, the pc.  I wish our medical system gave a shit so I didn't have to self fund complimentary treatment...

The answer is in the question

I like this idea, that the answer is in the question and that inherent in that is that I therefore have all the answers for me.  When I am restless, I need to rest.  If only all the answers where that simple.  I feel directionless and yet like the options are too numerous and then not enough.  So where is the answer in that?  Be directionless?  Allow myself to feel free & loose from the binds of expectation, and obligation?  Feels a bit shaky to contemplate that.  And to be honest I am bored, I need my brain to be working again on something I love that inspires me and that I can get energy out of.  And I need my days to be shifted back a few hrs so I am not up at midnight wondering about starting the life I am already living.

Big days at Toy Library

Shelf shifting in preparation for our new pc system - wahoo!! But gosh always more work than I ever expect! And poor kids get dragged along, though we have peppered it with a movie, ice blocks & tv & um, well I'll make it up to them tomorrow...

All going well

Never enough hours in the day but making the most of what I can when I can :-) Really enjoying making time for my kids to play board games & go to the park. Sewing space is being reclaimed so hopefully I will settle into a rhythm of actually doing some creative sewing & not just mending soon.

It's been a long long time!

But things have picked up over all. Meds & vitamins are helping immensely. Life experiences are teaching me more every day. My kids are mostly pretty awesome. My husband is mostly pretty great. Now I just need to get my crafting sorted! I need to do more, sell it & be loud & proud, a tall poppy.

Coming out of the Daze!!

Well no.2 baby is now over two yrs & I feel like the fog is lifting - YAY! I am chairperson for our toy library, really enjoying that, still trying to get Design28 going, but timewise it tends to take the backseat. Still lots of things to work through but feeling positive :-)